Self-Ownership: The No Excuses Way to a Better Life

Take Control of Your Life

I’ve been beating this topic to death. It’s been occupying so much of my time. This is mostly because I have so many friends who I hear complaining regularly. I hear people in awful situations tell me every reason why they are where they are and how they can’t change it. What’s worse is that I hear people in far less challenging situations speaking the same way. They sound powerless. These people sound downtrodden. It makes me sad.

That’s why I wrote about willpower. It’s why I obsess over productivity and learning. It’s why I treat myself like a product. I want to accomplish my goals. I’m far from perfect and I know I won’t accomplish every goal. But if I follow enough of my own advice the odds are stacked in my favor. To everyone who cries that life isn’t fair maybe a few of the things below sound familiar.

Nothing is fair. I can’t seem to do anything right. That person is way more lucky then me. It’s all about who you know and I don’t know anybody. Why do I have to do this? I just don’t feel like it. Can’t I catch a break? I need a new job. My life would be better if…

I could go on and on. These are all examples of excuses that people give themselves or others as to why things can’t get done. They can range from serious things that hold true merit to the mundane.

Fair is relative

The thing is this. Fair is a relative point of view. For the most part everyone gets to where they are by the series of choices that they make. Have you ever heard someone complaining about getting caught doing something? Like a person complaining about how they got a 300 dollar fine for littering.

“I can’t afford this ticket! It’s bull!”

Now circumstances aside (because we could argue all day long about specifics), this person is most likely never going to address the fact that they should not have littered.

How about this chain of events? You’re in a class and you hear people talking about how difficult the material is and how this professor is terrible at explaining things. They get bad grades on a test and cry that the professor was unfair. Of course there are bad professors but in this case all of the questions on the test were easily answerable. All the answers were in the assigned reading. It so happens that these same students were the ones talking about how they never do the full readings.

It’s not just about crappy people though.

I’m using random specific examples of crappy people (or lazy, or selfish, or other negative adjective). I don’t even want to assume that the people above are completely crappy. Sometimes people have days where they fall into this category. You can wake up on the wrong side of the bed. It does suck to get caught doing something (and depending on the scale it might not seem like a big deal). People are complex and consist of large ranges of many different characteristics. These students who don’t do the reading aren’t necessarily completely lazy (they might just not care about the subject). They might have tons of other things going on in their lives that are taking up their time.

The person who littered (although littering is detestable) may have had some paper on their car floor that got sucked out the window.

Everything has a shade of grey is the point. Some people are closer to the light side of the force and some people are closer to the dark side. This scale isn’t constant either. It may be that you are good about many things but terrible at others.

Regardless of what the thing is though. Regardless of it rating on the “fair” scale either one of the main things that separate those who regularly succeed from those who don’t is ownership. Tony Robbins, Mark Manson, Tim Ferriss, Ryan Holiday, Julia Cameron, and a host of others that I have mentioned throughout these articles all speak to it in one way or another. This idea that you have to choose your actions and have no one to hold accountable except yourself.

Stop complaining (or limit the amount of time you will allow it)

You’ll find that complaining or making excuses is a waste of time. Ownership is acknowledging that you are personally accountable for everything that happens to you. The position you place yourself in, the things that you do to decide where you are going are up to you. Succeeding starts with owning your actions. You own your ups and you own your downs.

“But what if I get caught speeding in an area and all I was doing was keeping up with the flow of traffic?”

Well I hate to break this to you, but you broke the law. Also, we can argue whether the cop was out to get x, y, or z and all of that but two things I know. Speeding tickets are usually reserved for the larger offenders, and regardless… you still were speeding. I’m guilty of speeding sometimes too, but if I get caught, well, it was my fault.

Even this though has a solution if you feel wronged (in a legal manner). You can petition to increase the speed limit or whatever the infraction involves. One can get involved in local ordinances. You can promote safe driving practices. You can write your local or state government. It might not do anything but you will be taking positive action towards an outcome you desire.

Please don’t get hung up on the speeding example though. I can feel the blood boiling in some of you already. Especially the ones who recently got a speeding ticket and are blaming everyone but themselves ;-).

Every action has a reaction

The point is this. For everything you do there is a consequence. Sometimes the consequences are positive and sometimes they are negative. Sometimes they are simple cause and effect. Finally some are far reaching and unforeseen at the time. Like a behavior displayed as a teenager may have disrupted your ability to do something and now it’s very hard for you to land a job in a certain field fifteen years later (often why we are hard on our kids to do good in school).

My point isn’t some honky dory positivist spiel. What I’m saying isn’t always the easiest pill to swallow. It follows up on what I’ve said in the past. You are accountable for where you are.

What ifs!

It’s all your fault. The good and the bad. You’re sitting there and saying oh yeah? Well what if I get struck by lightning? What if I trip off a curb and a bus hits me and I’m put in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?

You’re right. There are many scenarios where you could in fact be a victim of circumstance. The market crashes, the chain on your bike breaks, the bus hits you. In these unfortunate circumstances you are still faced with a choice though. You have a new starting point. In these situations people all too often end up spending time in the “why me” phase. This isn’t to discount the nature of your situation. It isn’t meant to prevent you a moment to regather.

The thing is, when something happens that changes the nature of your life in a negative manner no amount of wallowing, self-pity, or blaming will get you anything back. It most likely won’t even make you feel better.

So you are where you are at that point and YOU choose what you do next. Accountability and self-ownership is also about owning the truths in life that aren’t within your control. You will always have to accomplish your goals within certain constraints. Sometimes the nature of those constraints are incredibly, well …constraining. Some people don’t have these obstacles. Many people get bitter over this fact. Once again, their bitterness does not change or help their situation.

The Silver Lining

Okay, I’m done talking doom and gloom. The thing is this. No matter how bad you’ve messed up you can still re-adjust. Yes it sucks if there is an opportunity no longer available. This is the best time to adjust fire. This is when you can choose to pivot, like a company in difficult times may choose to. Or you can choose to change your goal altogether. This starts with owning the situation. It starts with accepting your part in getting where you are. I’m not falsely claiming that the opportunity lost wasn’t possibly better than what you are left with. Sometimes you’re left with worse choices. But dammit, it is what it is. You can choose to roll over or you can start anew from this different place.

If you don’t own the situation and then choose to move past it you will get stuck by it. If you do own it and start working toward something else, you will be free of it.

Is there an upside to having something terrible happen to you? No of course not (at least not immediately). But again, spending your life concerning yourself with something you have no power to change is a waste. No matter how bad you feel, no matter how justified you are in your anger or sadness, it doesn’t change anything. The only thing that changes anything is acceptance, ownership, and then action.

Self-Ownership

The vast majority of us haven’t had anything tragic happen to us. This is a good thing. Okay, I admit, tragedy is relative. I’m sure that there is someone out there who is crying because their rich father got them the red Ferrari but they wanted the blue one. You and I may laugh at such a spectacle or say “good grief, are you serious?”, but it’s true, that really might be a tragedy (to that person).

Attention Hogs

There are also a plethora of people who want there to be tragedy or rather to be associated with tragedy so they can have attention. These people also need to own themselves but this is a realization they will have to come to on their own. Have you ever known someone who was always sad and needed consolation because some how they always knew “very deeply and personally” a person who had something tragic happen to them? Yeah, that’s who I’m talking about.

Ultimately, the rest of us are victims of our own crimes. I hear you: social pressures, family upbringing, economic factors. It’s all true and all relevant in determining your gating factors (the obstacles that stand in your way). You’re right, it isn’t fair that some people have all of the advantages right from the beginning. However, they do  and crying about it isn’t going to change it. You crying about it is the equivalent of your problem being that attention seeking sponge kind of person that I just complained about.

You’re at the steering wheel.

All things considered no one is responsible for your choices except you. You you you. You could choose to work harder. Only you can choose to make a plan to get to the next level. It might take years as opposed to the few weeks. There may be risks. But if you choose not to take them, it is your choice. Your starting point is not of your choosing always. The next move is (usually).

If you complain day after day and never change anything about your grind then nothing will change.  If you come home from work day after day and choose to not exercise, clean your house, study, practice, whatever, nothing will change. All the responses you can come up with to that last statement are excuses. All of them. This is regardless of whether your situation is your fault or not. You cannot depend on an outside factor (person, place, thing, luck, etc.) to fix you. You have to fix you.  Choose you. Choose to be better.